For the new mothers to join...

This is what I shared with the new mothers that joined our club...

I am a mother of three - two boys and a girl. Most people don't know that though, they can't see my full family. They see me, my husband, and our daughter. My boys, Cooper and Brayden, were lost due to incompetent cervix in July 2007 and March 2008. My daughter, my rainbow after the storm, was born healthy this last July.

I've been where you are. I know the sadness that looms and the hopelessness that can engulf you. I know the tears that don't stop and the constant stream of "what ifs" and "why". I know how everywhere you turn there is a new baby or another pregnant lady. And I know that a lot of what people say in trying to help can just as easily hurt your feelings. I know all these things because I have been there.

After losing the boys, I felt completely broken. I was sad and angry and even a bit lost. I didn't know where to go or what to do or how I could ever "move on". I was so stunned that everyone else just kept moving forward while I was stuck in this world where I didn't have my baby. I felt like time should have stopped at the moment that I lost each of the boys. And when it didn't, I was mad. But time has a way of continuing on with or without your blessing. I didn't know it then, but I needed time to continue because I needed the time to grieve.

I'm still grieving now and I'm sure that I will for the rest of my life. Losing a child is not something that you get over...it's something that you live through. Somehow you find the will to keep going. It starts with getting out of bed each day, then moves to being in social situations again, then eventually you can be around babies without being jealous or having the pang of sorrow in your heart. So you keep going, and somehow you find the ability to grow through it.

For me time did keep going and we decided to try again. When I finally got pregnant for the third time, I was terrified. It brought up a million emotions and even more "what ifs", but somehow we found some hope. It's the hope that carried me through the pregnancy - Riley, our rainbow baby, was born perfectly healthy and screaming just days before her oldest brother's birthday. She is a true miracle child. Having her with us is an amazing gift, but she doesn't replace the boys.

I'm the mother of three. I have two boys and one girl. It's just you can't see my boys...but they are there. They are always with me. They have forever changed the person that I am. They each took a piece of my heart to Heaven, and in exchange left a bit of themselves. Their lives, the 21 weeks that I carried each of them changed my life forever. They taught me so much...
They taught me that you can love someone without ever hearing them cry, speak or even breathe. The extent of that love and attachment is not measured by the length of time you knew them. It doesn't matter, you love just because.
People are good. They mean well, but they don't always know how to put their emotions into words. This is especially true when it comes to the loss of a child. I've learned to accept this and try to teach people what not to say in the future. The casual "How are you?" is not a welcome question to a mother who has lost her baby. And the idea that "You can always have more." is not a comfort when you wanted the baby that has been lost. People are good, they just don't know.
Pregnancy loss affects more people than we realize. It's not a subject that often comes into casual conversation, so you may not know that your neighbor, your aunt, or your coworker has gone through it too. But when you go through it, you become part of the club. The club that no one ever wanted to be a part of. You learn about all these women. And you find that you can talk to them and they will understand what you are going through because they have been there too.
The boys taught me that birthdays are amazing and should be huge celebrations because life is a true miracle. We celebrate their birthdays every year with friends and family. We even have cupcakes and balloons. And we make a note to always call our friends and family on their birthdays because of how miraculous that day is.
I've learned that what did not kill me DID make me stronger – even though at times I wish I weren’t THAT strong. Three years ago I never would have imagined that I could have made it through this storm. I wasn't sure I would make it through while I was in the middle of it...but time kept going, and somehow I'm still standing.

I'm here to offer hope. I'm here to let you know that I have been where you are. Our stories may be different, but our feelings are the same. It will get better, but it won't ever go away. I still miss my boys every day. I still have days that it hits me like a mack truck that they are gone. There are even still situations that I cannot control the flow of tears. BUT, there are more good days now. I can smile and I can laugh, and I can look back on my pregnancies with the boys and not be completely sad. It's hard, but you can get through it. With the help of your friends and family, you WILL get through it. Share with them and let them share with you...

“Those who shed their tears with me show me I am not alone. It often feels like I am carrying this enormous load of sorrow, and when others shed their tears with me, it is as if they are taking a bucketful of sadness and carrying it for me.”

So, I am crying with you. Let me take a bucketful because I know the pain and the sorrow and I know your heart hurts. My hope in speaking today is to let you know that you are not alone and you will get through this. As sad as it is to know that others have experienced this kind of loss, there is something comforting in it as well. Somehow I have made it through the storm, though the thunder and lightning are never far away. I did this by connecting with other women who had been through loss. So, I welcome anyone that wants to talk, and I encourage you, if you haven’t yet, to find a group that you can share your grief with.