I realize that people just don’t “get it” when it comes to loosing a baby. I mean, they say things that are hurtful without realizing…or they don’t acknowledge the loss thinking it is better / easier – which it’s not…or they think that time makes the hurt go away – especially if you’re pregnant again. The hurt doesn’t go away. It just seems to get lost in all the other things that you’re trying to do – work, family, relationship, friends, whatever. And when the hurt wants to come out, it just does. There’s no stopping it, and it (the hurt) doesn’t care who/what is in the way!
I am nearing the point in this pregnancy that I first had bleeding with Cooper. That is what we think was the start of whatever caused him to come so early. The thing about that is, I’m scared…really scared. I want to lock myself up in my bedroom and not come out until 24 weeks (when the baby is “viable”). I know that it wouldn’t be healthy to do this – both for me and for my husband. BUT, I would really like people to understand how incredibly strong that desire to lock myself away is. I am torn between protecting this baby and what people expect of me. I guess I’m supposed to keep going forward as if this were a normal pregnancy until something proves otherwise. Problem with that is that’s exactly what I did last time and now I DON’T HAVE MY SON!
I just want to throw a complete fit. Will people understand then…or will they just think I’ve gone crazy with pregnancy hormones?
I mean I follow my doctor’s orders - drink plenty of water, get tons of sleep, put my feet up a lot, don’t pick up babies, and even avoid all stairs. Even my doctor, whom I love, questions my need to be a hermit before anything ominous shows up. My own husband casts a judgmental eye at me when I talk about working from home – to his defense he did say he would stand by “whatever I need to do”. And now that I’ve explained to my boss (who is a good friend) about my desire to stay home for part of each week, my idea that people just don’t get it was proven even further. It is his job to make sure that work gets done, but he’s my friend too. He was there and has cried with me for Cooper – just as my husband and doctor have also done. Why don’t they “get it”? Is it because they are all men? It really makes me question if I’m overdoing this whole thing. Like I’m getting ahead of myself be almost expecting something to go wrong. So is it better to ignore what has already happened and hope for the best…or do I embrace what has happened, take the knowledge it has given me, and protect this baby to the best of my ability? If it’s the second, then I’m founded in this note…but...
1 comment:
I'm not sure why I looked up your blog this morning, but this time period in your pregnancy has been on my mind a lot and I guess I was wondering how it is affecting you. As you approached the time of your difficulties with Cooper, I knew this had to be on your mind daily. Please don't beat yourself up over this. It is totally normal. You lost your son! That will never be "ok" or "in the past". These are both terms we've heard many times before. Everytime Matt would get sick, I wanted to "hide him" to protect him from whatever might be out there. Even after 17 1/2 years of being without Greg, I still have that need to "protect". I'm not sure that will ever go away, no matter how old he gets!!
That was my feeling after Cooper died. Dick and I wanted to protect the two of you so that you would never have to experience this loss. It is not the normal process of life...to bury your children. It is every parent's nightmare and unfortunately, it does come true for some of us.
Now, it's time to bring another precious little boy into this world and it's impossible to push aside all those feelings of loss and "what ifs". What you are feeling is perfectly normal. All those emotions after a loss along with all the emotions of being pregnant have to be pretty overwhelming. I think you are an amazing woman to be dealing with the loss of Cooper, the joys of being pregnant and wanting to protect this little life, working and trying to make your life with Matt as normal as possible. Don't ever think that he is not hurting as much as you are or that he's not as scared as you are. They just grieve in a different way. His job is to protect you and try to keep you happy and safe. Sometimes it's just better to grieve in your own way. Then give them a hug and let them know that you're trying with everything that is in you to keep your faith in God for a strong relationship and to prepare for this little boy. As these next few weeks come and go, please don't feel alone. There are so many people that are feeling this with both of you and are praying for the time to pass by quickly and uneventfully. I hope you know how much you're loved and prayed for daily. I know God has big plans for you and I feel very blessed that you are the mother of my precious grandchildren. Blessings to you for peace and understanding from all the "men" in your life.
Now I will close and wipe all the tears off my keyboard!! Dick, Matt and I love you very much. Susan
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