Two years ago today is the day that we came home empty handed...again. It completely shocked my world. One loss was a fluke, a horrible happening, something that we were unlucky enough to be a statistic in. It certainly couldn't happen again. I had taken every precaution. I was being watched by my doctors. I found out that it just wasn't that easy. I was the statistic again. I was more than heartbroken.
Today as I have been reflecting, I am still heartbroken. I ache for my boys - both of them. My tears fall for all the times that I have missed with them. Some nights I still cry myself to sleep - silently - with the anguish that accompanies being a deadbabymama. I remember so vividly how I would cry myself to sleep in the weeks after we lost Brayden. How my body ached with the loss of hope. How angry I was at everything and nothing at the same time. This weekend I have remembered...but, I am in a different place now.
I still miss Brayden. I still cry. I always will. I had to go on, though. I had to somehow keep moving. That is why I can get out of bed...why I still have friends...why I can see the sun shining...why we have Riley now. Somehow, I found the will to get up and go on despite the unbelievable hopelessness that surrounded me. And I know I'm not the only one who has somehow found this will - each one of my fellow DBM's have done it too. We each make a choice every day. We honor our angels this way.
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Happy 2nd birthday, Brayden! I hope you are enjoying playing with your brother these days. Make sure to play lots of football, because you'll have the advantage. You were our "bruiser" - so big and stocky. We love you and miss you every single day.
14 comments:
Thinking of Brayden tonight. What a great u/s picture of him! You describe this process just perfectly.
I saw on LFCA that Brayden's birthday was this weekend so I've been thinking of you. Your post is a beautiful tribute to both Brayden and your feelings.
Happy Birthday, Brayden!!!
Yes, we make a choice each and every day by getting up, going about our business and remembering and loving our missing children. Hugs to you.
Happy birthday Brayden!
May you find peace and comfort in your remembering.
-K
from LFCA
Happy Birthday Brayden. It is hard to imagine it has been two years. I think of your boys often with love.
xxx
Happy Birthday Brayden!
Hugs to you momma.
Remembering your sweet boy with you. I know what you mean about the first time being a statistic and being sure that it couldnt happen again... And then it does and you just have no where to go because all you can think is how? how could this happen again?
But our children give us the strength to go on. They always will. Even through our heartache and sadness.
Thinking of you and remembering with you.
Abiding with you and remembering.
Remembering your boys with you.
You honor your little ones every day in the way you live your life. They are very lucky to have you as their mother.
Brayden is so beautiful. I hate that so much time has gone by since you held your sweet boy. I remember those horrible first weeks/months as well. And even though it is much more rare, I still cry myself to sleep as well. Hugs to you.
I just want you to know I think of you and your family and pray for you all everyday.
Happy Birthday, Brayden.
Happy Birthday Brayden.
You know your allowed to feel that way, it's been 4 yrs for me and I still morn her and probably always will. To fight not only going through IVF and then lossing her to an IC I constantly feel that it's not fair that she had to lose her life because of my body.
Your a strong person and know that your Angels are with you all the time helping you with your strength.
Sorry I am late to this, but remembering Brayden with you.
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