I feel bad for not writing as much lately. I could make all sorts of excuses, but the bottom line is my emotions are everywhere - and I don't know where to go with them. I really don't know how to get it all down here, so I haven't tried. I want to chronicle this, though...so I'm going to try.
My husband got me a fetal heartrate monitor for Christmas. I had asked for it, but didn't necessarily expect him to pick one out. I was quite happy to get it, but the instructions and reviews said that it couldn't find the heartbeat until 12wks. See, the point for me is that I need that reassurance now...so waiting a few more weeks was like torture. I tried the monitor for the first time at 8wks, and found my heartbeat - which was pretty cool. After 30 minutes of trying I didn't find the baby's heartbeat, but hadn't really expected to. I tried again yesterday. For some reason I was determined. Again, I found my heartbeat quite easily - almost like it was getting in the way. Then, I heard the faintest of that double heartbeat. I found the baby's heartbeat!!! It may have taken me 20 minutes to do it, but it was worth it. During those few minutes, I sat there listening to the dubba-dubba sound. It was so fast. While listening to it, I felt at peace with this pregnancy.
See, that's my problem. I'm just not at peace or at ease with this pregnancy. I would say that this is a "duh!", but it's a hard thing to grasp. I want to be "all in", but I just can't. I seem to think that with every ultrasound I'll feel just a bit better and be a bit more "okay". So far, that is not true. The only thing that has made me "okay" was hearing the heartbeat yesterday - even if just for a few minutes. I guess that during that time of hearing the heartbeat, I was completely sure that the baby was okay.
I'm completely obsessed with every ache and pain in my body. Having a permanent stitch in my lower abdomen (the TAC) makes this pregnancy feel different. I have anxiety, I think. I'm scared (and I'm allowed to be). I'm just thankful for my mom and MIL for being so excited about this pregnancy. Sometimes they scare me by talking about things after the baby comes (especially this early), but they have the attitude that I sometimes want. Of course all will be okay...I have the miraculous TAC!
And just for the record - I'm not complaining about all this. I'm just scared and have my neuroses that I wanted to share :-)
7 comments:
That's understandable - it is terrifying. I hope you can get to the stage of being excited - though it might take a while, or might not happen at all. But I hope it does.
Keep breathing...and I will say a little prayer for you and your little one.
Even if you were complaining, I'd still listen. What you are going through, no matter how much it's desired, is scary. It's fear of the unknown.
I'm glad you were able to find the heartbeat- it's so reassuring isn't it?
Take care and I hope you feel more able to "chronicle" this journey.
That's great. I'm glad you have a good support team. What's the name of your fetal monitor. I want one, and I am shopping around now.
I am sure it will take some time to finally believe that this is YOUR time. We'll keep reminding you and giving you a great place to share your fears.
you have the right to all these emotions and more.
Finally checking in after the insanity of the holiday! You have every right to be nervous...but I hope you can feel all the prayers and good thoughts I send your way! Keep letting out your nervous energy...do anything that helps you feel at peace. Thinking of you!!
Of course you are scared. You don't need to apologize and you aren't complaining. I'm so glad you got to find the baby's heartbeat and plan to get a doppler as soon as I can for the same peace of mind.
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