I guess considering the circumstances, I have a right to be terrified. Today marks the ever special 12 weeks. You know, that's when "normal" people would really feel like they were in the clear. That's the point when miscarriage rates drop to about 3%. Hmm, I've been part of that 3% statistic twice now. I have a bit of an issue with statistics these days.
My brain knows that we are doing everything possible to make sure that we bring home a living, breathing, screaming baby this time. Being an engineer, this would typically be enough in any other situation. The problem is that my heart keeps reminding me that we did that before too (or thought we had). My heart is reminding me of what has already been lost. And I seem to be unable to bond yet with this baby. I'm confident that this will get better the further along we get, but time is just creeping by at this point...really creeping as slow as possible.
I've only had two...maybe three...freak outs so far. It's to be expected, right? My doctors don't mind my calls - or atleast tell me so. And I don't have a problem asking questions about all sorts of ridiculous pains or movements or whatever. I will not live with a "what if" on this pregnancy. I won't deal with that...and I know how much the "what ifs" can get you later. So, I call with every little thing. I overanalyze every bit of my body - watching for increase in this or that, decrease in appetite, quickened pulse, pains from my scar, was that braxton hicks already??, am I drinking enough water, what about pre-eclampsia, or any of the other things that could go wrong.
The issue now is that I'm a product of losing two babies. I have befriended many, many women who are also in this deadbabymama group. Sad enough as it is that there are so many of us, these friends come with all their own neuroses. I just can't help it if I take on their fears as well. I know what happened to their babies, so what's to stop it from happening to mine? This sounds quite selfish, but this is MY blog...so I will be selfish for a bit.
I'm just scared and the people around me know that. At least, the people closest to me know that. Some of them embrace my fear and let me be that way - thank you. But, others want to sweep it all under the rug. They want to act like I'm just a normal pregnant woman and should just get over all this craziness. Those are the people that make my braxton hicks act up. Grrr! Then again, maybe it's just the crazy pregnancy hormones (combined with grief) that make me "feel" that people are this way. I don't know. All I know for now, is that I'm terrified and I think it will have to get worse before it gets any better.
We are now 9weeks away from my "scary week".
7 comments:
Of course you're terrified - you have every right to be. It stinks, but there it is. No pregnancy can ever be normal ever again, and a lot of people won't get that -- or won't want to get that. But a lot of us do.
This is exactly how I feel! I'm scared about everything I know can happen to me because it did...but also because of what I learned has happened to other people. This pregnancy has been so stressful and scary and I'm only 6w4d. I imagine it will continue to get worse. Don't feel bad for calling your doctors. You are absolutely right about the "what ifs" you might have to deal with and it is better to be safe. I'm sorry things can't be easy and normal. And for all the people in your life who wish you'd just get over it (I have those people also)...they should be kicked! Hugs.
You have every right to be scared. We all get it.
It's terrifying. And it's hard for most people to understand that. But good for you calling everytime you have a question. You have every right to do so and all we can do is be our own best advocates. Hoping for the best for you!
No words. Just ((((((HUGS))))) and wishing I could give them in person. I am here if you need ANYTHING! Take care my friend. I'll try to call you this weekend. LOVERS.
Little baby- you stay strong and in your momma tummy. We cant wait to meet you and your are already so loved by more than you'll ever know.
Your post resonates so much with me. I'm feeling the same way. I especially hear you on the way people want to treat you like just any other pregnant woman. This makes me want to scream.
Anyway, post and vent your fears. This is the only thing I know that helps me, when I look at fear in the face. It's an ugly monster that must be confronted. And in the meantime, keep your OBs number on speed dial.
Hugs, we will be walking with you on this journey.
This is going to be a tough two months. I'll be thinking of you as you work so hard to get through each day. It sucks, and it's also great.
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