I just can't help it. I'm sad, but still very thankful. I hope this doesn't come across wrong because I do know that I am fortunate (IVF worked, the TAC has worked, the cx meds are working). I know that this pregnancy is a miracle. I know that this baby girl is meant for us.
I'm just sad though. My pregnancy hormones are raging, but I'm thinking this is more than that. I miss my boys more and more these days. I think it's the fact of all the things that I get to experience with this pregnancy that I'm now realizing that I missed with the boys. It's all these firsts that I should be excited about...and somehow they just remind me that I almost got here twice now. And with that realization I'm filled with anger and remorse and pure sadness.
For example: A friend innocently asked what we were having the other day. When we responded with "girl", he was excited that we would be "joining his misery" - meaning paying for weddings, cars, watching boyfriends, etc. He totally didn't mean anything by it, but it hurt me deeply. I don't think it even phased my DH (so yet another pregnancy hormone response). We have two boys, but most people don't think about that. That conversation just reminded me of yet another plethora of things that we won't be doing with the boys.
I want to be that happy, glowing pregnant lady...but I feel like I'm carrying around all this baggage. Sad baggage. I really want to enjoy this pregnancy, but I'm finding it really hard. It's for a different reason than in the beginning. At first I wasn't sure that we'd even make it to viability, but now I have complete faith in my TAC. These days I just honestly miss my boys. It's like no matter what, I can't be just happy about it all. Is there something wrong with me? Do any other DBM's have similar experiences? I really don't want to be crazy!
10 comments:
You are far from crazy! I think everything you describe is understandably normal. And I wish I could help you feel better, feel less sad - but I can't. It just...is. (Sorry, that's crap, I know....)
You have every right to be sad, and I think every other DB momma goes through it too.
I found my subsequent pregnancy extremely diffcult. I don't know anyone who can be a happy glowing pregnant lady after losing a baby. The fear is too real. I was angry too. I was angry at the fact that I had to do this all over again. So I would like to tell you your feelings are normal based on my own experience.
Youare not crazy nor is there anything wrong with you. You miss your children who are not with you. If anything you are the epitome of a mother.
Even though I haven't been in your shoes yet, I think you will need to give up the hope of having a happy, worry-free pregnancy. Too much has happened for that. I am sure you will be happy when your baby girl is born, but you will always be sad and miss your boys.
I met a woman last week that had lost two babies in utero 38 and 36 years ago. It was devastating. She lost two boys, and had a girl in between.
This wise woman said that, even decades later, it is hard and no one can tell you you will get over it. She said that while it gets easier, it never goes away. She said she just got better at putting the pain up on a shelf, or storing it in a cubby hole in her heart.
I don't know if this helps you at all. For me, it made me feel more normal in my feelings, and it also gave me some weird relief that I didn't need to get over what happened. It just becomes part of who you are.
I don't think you ever get over loosing children. You feel the pain of that loss again and again, in different ways and varying degrees.
But be encouraged - even though some times in the future will be bittersweet, there will be times of pure joy as you are able to fully love and embrace the moments with your baby girl.
I pray her birth will bring healing for you.
I think that part of the sadness comes from the place of loss. For me, I had the idea that somehow pregnancy would be a magical solution. I would have reached the end of my infertility sorrow and I would be happy. Instead, it was just part of the journey and it is a long journey.
I so understand your feelings. It hurts me so much when people make remarks without thinking about the fact that I do have daughter- sadly, she's just not here with us. I've been thinking a lot about a subsequent pregnancy. I will do anything to be pregnant again- it would make me so happy to have a baby in my arms. But, I know I will be constantly nervous and miss Ella even more. Keep baking that beautiful little girl and keep honoring your boys.
I think that with every new thing you go through with your baby girl there will be half of you that's so overjoyed and the other half of you will be sad that you didn't get to experience that first with Cooper and Brayden. It's not just this pregnancy and birth, but even childhood, teenage, and adult milestones. I think that's a normal part of grieving anyone that you love. Just like a woman's wedding would make the fact that her dad wasn't there to walk her down the aisle if he had passed. Even though she's happy about one thing, it make the thing she's sad about fresh all over again. Sorry if my ramblings didn't make much sense. It was clear in my head :-)
Windy--
Even though I will never get to be in your shoes as I am done, I understand your feelings. I especially understand your anger. My only savior is the fact that I lost Babies #3&4 and my first. Otherwise, I would be in a much darker place. The other day as we were shuttling between baseball and softball for an entire Saturday, my mother said to my husband, "Thank goodness you don't have more kids!" We do... we do.
Hang in there-- baby girl is coming home with you pretty soon!!
I cried daily with my sub pregnancy. It was the pressure of the fear, the unknown, the KNOWN, the journey....it is really, really hard. It's very hard to be happy when you are batshit crazy from hormones and enduring what you have endured.
I hope that you are having more good than bad days. I think about you often and continue to pray for the safe arrival of your baby....
XOXO--Reese
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